MY VOICE PT.2

Sometimes I have absolutely nothing to say. It’s literally like my mind stays quiet and I have no words to speak. I like being quiet, I like listening. Sometimes, in all honesty, there’s just nothing for me to say. Nothing comes to mind.

It baffles me to see people who are good at holding conversations, how they can become friends with people so easily, words seem to come so easily for them. It confuses me how some people just have so much to say,

constantly,

all the time.

And it’s not that I don’t care about people or care about getting to know someone, of course I love talking to people and getting to know them, I just don’t know how to go about finding out. I don’t know how to phrase my questions so that they don’t just sound like an interrogation, I don’t know what responses to give someone when they tell me things I don’t necessarily care for/understand/relate to. Words don’t come to me so easily.

I would rather get to know people by observing them, listening to the things they tell me on their own, watching the way they talk to me. I would rather get to know people by being  in their presence than speaking.

I love listening.

I love silence.

I love sitting in silence and doing nothing. I like being with people but if we don’t have to talk, I won’t. I don’t feel uncomfortable when the room goes quiet unless I can tell that someone else is expecting a conversation, in which case I get anxious because I just have nothing to say.

I don’t get how people can just go on and on talking about everything and anything because really, what is there so much to talk about?

Maybe it’s because I’m a boring person in general. I don’t have crazy wild stories or crazy wild hobbies. I don’t necessarily do much and the world pretty much leaves me alone as far as crazy random experiences go. So I don’t really have a lot to contribute in most conversations and I’m ok with it.

And being this way only means I lose in the end because for people who find socializing easy, it’s weird that I don’t talk. I come off as stand-offish, bitchy, cold, judgemental, and so on, but none of that has anything to do with why I’m so quiet.

I just have nothing to say.

When it comes to the words I speak, they are meaningless to me and I don’t like to spend a lot of time speaking. I don’t have much to say.

But ask me to write, ask me to tell a story. And I can do that. I can go on and on and on, forever, non-stop. When it comes to the words that I write, I’m extremely vocal, I have so many words to write. When I can curate the things I say, structure them in a way that I like, I can go on and on.

I just need someone to listen when I finally do speak.

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